I'll Let You Know I Will

Well as the weekend comes to a close, I realize I'm being a huge slap yet again. It really is becoming a rather nasty little habit of mine. I have a circuits test tomorrow that I've studied for it a very minimal amount. I also have a circuits assignment due Tuesday, plus a conapps assignment to be graded. Oh wow, tomorrow's gonna be a long night. But hey, bid tuesday is right around the corner, I'm excited. I probably won't be drinking very much, but it should be a blast. Come to think of it, I won't be drinking (or probably sleeping) the night of the Halloween party either. We're going up to Muncie to play in Ball State's tournament on Sunday...5:30 AM...beats Western Illinois by a couple hours lol.

It's been an eventful weekend. I had an absolute blast with the rifle team. It's a really awesome group of guys. I shot pretty shitty both Saturday and today, but I did manage a 95-96 pair on saturday. I'm pretty darn happy with that one. You know your sport is screwed the hell up when you can shoot a 95-96 pair on saturday, then not be able to break 87 in six tries on sunday. Ridiculous. I've come to realize that I can't be a good shooter right now. I have the desire, but I don't have the mental abilities. I've been thinking a lot about what my problem is.

For those of you who don't know, rifle is a very mental sport. Shooters scores consistenly go down when they're under a lot of stress, having girl problems, etc. I think there's a bunch of reasons I'm screwed up mentally right now. While I hate to admit it, I think me and jessica breaking up this summer is the biggest thing. I mean I'm having an absolute blast this year, but it shook me really bad. There have only been a handful of moments in the past few months that I've felt really secure and at peace with myself and the world around me. I know I'll recover eventually, but it's gonna take awhile for me to be able to move on. I'm just now really beginning to believe that everything's going to be ok. I had myself scared there for awhile.

So I've finally made the decision that I've been pondering for a couple of weeks. I've decided to go ahead and take on the rush chairmanship rather than shoot next year. I absolutely hate saying goodbye to the team, but I have to admit, I don't think I'll miss the shooting that much. All the stress, the pressure, and worst of all, the frustration that comes with shooting. Shooters have a saying that's very true in competitive shooting. The harder you try, the worse you do. No fricken joke.

I'm really excited about the chairmanship though. It's funny though, when Homan first came to me and said he thought I should do it, I was kinda shocked. I guess I've given up viewing myself as a leader, as somebody with a lot of strength. I mean I feel that deep down I have a lot of good qualities, my confidence has definitely been shaken in the past year. It's a good feeling, though, to have the support of your brothers. It's unbelievable the number of guys who have told me they know that I'll do a good job. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that life in a lot of ways is a "mental sport". You will succeed where you expect to succeed. I guess the difference between life and rifle is that in my life I have certain things and people that help me forget myself, to not worry about shooting a 10, a 95, or a 360. Like in rifle, the times that I succeed in my life are the times that i don't even think about what I'm doing...I just go for it. I think that's the attitude I need to start taking with lots of things. I need to stop trying so hard and just make things happen. It sounds dumb, but in a lot of ways it really is that simple.

So friday night i had some awesome conversations with tomsu, edmonson, and mills. I'm lucky to have such good and supportive friends. That's the kind of support that will get me where i want to go, I'm sure of it.

So last night I went over to skinner to hang out with zach. It's funny, we were both bored and looking for something to do, so he asked me over to have a beer or two and watch sportscenter. I think I learned a lot about the guy that night. It's funny how I can see the same hopes, dreams, concerns and frustrations in him and so many other guys that i see in myself. It's an encouraging feeling. I guess that's the lesson from this weekend: encouragement. Well anyway it was a blast just going and chilling with one of the guys. I haven't done enough of that this year (although i have been a tad busy, to be fair). I look forward to having a little more down time this winter and spring to take it easy and get to know some more people better and hopefully meet a few new ones.

Well I should prolly get some sleep for that damn test tomorrow :) G'night all.