So I guess it's been awhile since I've last posted. What can I say, life's been busy. I've been giving it some thought, and I'm beginning to lean towards the idea of making this blog more about my random thoughts etc. rather than a day to day diary kinda thing. I don't know, I think it's both more revealing and interesting that way.
So I think a lot about what it is that makes me happy in life. The way I see it, it's pretty much the same things that make most humans happy. I spent a lot of time in high school reading stuff on evolutionary psychology and similar literature. I really loved that stuff. If there's one thing that really stimulates me intellectually it's ideas that make me view the world in a completely different way. Yknow, things that radically challenge that which we take for granted, or simply put, just make us think a little bit. I can't tell you how many books I read on human psychology and how it affects and shapes humans in society. I can remmember pacing my room at 3 in the morning when I had school the next day b/c I was just so excited about these ideas. I remmember the first book that I read on the subject, that really got me into it. It's called the Blank Slate: the Modern Denial of Human Nature. I can honestly say that that book changed the way that I look at myself, the people around me, and society as a whole more than any other one thing. The author was able to challenge and preconcieved notions of people about society, and rebuild the view of man from the ground up. He threw out the window any biases that subconsciously affect our judgement and vew of the world. It's an amazing book.
Sometimes I wish I had more time for thinking like that. There's nothing more I'd like to do than write. Maybe I should pick that up. Hell, maybe this journal thing is a good outlet for that. To those few people who are reading this: that means this thing's probably about to get about twelve times as boring lol. It's frustrating sometimes to try to talk to people about things when they don't really seem to take any interest in it. I mean people listen, but they're just not stimulated by it like I am. It kinda sux sometimes.
So one thing I try to do a lot is analyze my own thoughts, motivations, aspirations etc. I guess that's kind of a stupid statement, b/c I'm sure everybody does to an extent. But anyway I've noticed something about my random thoughts that come to me during the day. I think a lot about girls. Like a lot. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess all guys do. But it's the kinda thing people never really talk about...not b/c there's any real reason not to, just b/c people don't seem to spend a lot of time mulling over it.
The funny thing is this...yea, I admit that the happiest times I've ever had in my life were when I was with jessica. There's really no denying that fact. And in a lot of ways it makes sense. For a man to be in an intimate relationship with a woman that he thinks is going to last for the rest of his life is a very fulfilling thing. I mean it gives a sense of security, accomplishment...direction. It's like he knows he's on the right track, he's got everything figured out.
One thing that turns a lot of people off to this kind of psychoanalysis is that a lot of times it leads us to conclusions they flat out don't like. For example, one could surmise that the idea of a God is just a notion that we subconsciously make up to give ourselves a sense of security, righteousness, etc. I have to admit back when I believed in god, it did that for me. I mean how many times had I been told in high school that no matter what happens, God will be there, everything will be alright, if you follow his way nothing can go wrong in the end. And the idea of a reward in paradise...it's just justification for us getting screwed here on earth. Yknow, the jackass next to you has it all...and you don't. What's the solution that makes us feel better about that? He'll go to hell, when we go to heaven, it's that simple.
Another thing that is tough to deal with is the idea of love. Some people say you can't analyze love, can't put it into words, etc. The way I see it is that love is nothing more than a means to an end. I know, it's terribly unromantic, but that doesn't mean it's not true. I mean why am a man am I inclined to love a woman? Is it because there's some mysterious invisible voodoo force in the universe that so inclines me? Sounds good, but that doesn't make it true. The answer is that that attraction, both sexually and emotionally, supports reproduction. I mean let's face it, if the only thing that attracted me to women was the sexual aspect, I'd be much less inclined to go out and find women and reproduce. And that's the bottom line basically. Every single aspect of the human psychology...EVERYTHING, can be traced back to something that increases the likelihood of reproduction. Natural Selection at it's best. We all know what evolution and natural selections are, like we could write a definition down on paper...but when you start applying those ideas to the world around you...things start to click.
So does thinking in such terms make me a bad person? I mean I'm sitting here saying love is just some means to and end, nothing special, not some majestically force, but a way to make babies more effeciently. How wrong is that? Well if there's one thing that I've learned over the years is that you should never believe something because it's convenient. Plato said that you should pursue virtue for the sake of virtue. Not because you want to be a good person, but because, simply put, it's the right thing to do. It's the same thing here. I think people should look for truth, no matter how ugly, inconvinient, or disatisfactory it is. Applying my method of self analysis, I guess there's a part in all of us that desires truth above all. We all want to konw the secrets of the univers. To 'know the mind of God' and Stephen Hawking would put it.
I don't think believing such things makes me a bad person. When I first got into this train of thought, I came up with an analogy that made a lot of sense to me. Bear with me, it's been a few years, so it might come out kinda retarted. I remmember at the time I'd also started doing some reading on Einstein's work on the curvature of space time and how it relates to gravity. since the earth was first formed, gravity has been a constant. People never understood it untill 100 years ago...so when einstein changed the way the world viewed gravity it turned the scientific world upsidedown. But regardless of this discovery, the effects of gravity didn't change. Apples still fell from trees, a greater understanding didnt spoil anything. I'd like to think it's the same with me and the way I look at love. I mean yea, I analyze the hell out of it and take what must seem to be a very unromatic view, but I can still love just as much as the next guy. A greater understanding of myself doesnt change who I am, or how i feel. It just helps me put myself and the world around me in context.
One life lesson that I've kinda drawn from all this is that you have to do what makes you happy. If sounds generic, but if it doesnt make you happy, it's not worth pursuing. It's that simple. There are a million different things in life that will make a guy happy, whether it's getting a smile from a cute girl, getting a job offer, acing a test, being with his friends, shooting a 10, bidding for a disc, or finding the woman he'll one day marry. These are the things that make people happy, and this is what each of us should strive for (insert your own personal shit of course...all specifics fall into more general catergories of gratification). The key is to find a lifestyle and day to day life that is fulfilling.
I think the thing that I'm most afraid of right now is being alone. I once remmember Edmonson asked me what it was that made me happy. I thought about it for awhile, and realized the answer, in simplest terms. I remmember my exact words..."being connected to people on a more than superficial level". I mean yea sometimes I get down because I don't have a girl right now. But when I'm at an ultimate tournament, or having an awesome time with my brothers at the house, or any other of a number of things, that doesn't matter to me. It's funny, because when I start to feel good, I always tell myself "forget girls, I don't need em". An later, when I get lonely again, I always think how stupid I was to say that. I guess this fear of being alone is to a large extent a result of what happened with jessica. I was so convinced i had everything figured out, and that I was totally set, when we broke up, it was like the world was turned upside down. The one thing that made me happiest in my life was gone, and at the time I thought I'd never have it again. What I've come to realize over the past few months is that it wasn't jessica that made me happy...it was our relationship. The fact that I had a girl to care for, and that she cared for me...that's what did it. And I believe that one day I'll have that again. At least I hope I believe that, and it's not just some thought that makes me feel better. Shit man it's too late for this lol.
Well I know that was random as hell. It's funny, I'm the kinda of guy that usually has a lot more to say than he let's on. Maybe that's something to work on. Speaking of shit to work on, I have three interviews, a chem test, and a lab test tomorrow...
Well anyway if you made it all the way through congrats, that's pretty impressive. If you found anything I said really interesting let me know, I really love to hear from people about stuff like that.
