X-Mas break

School's been bothering me lately. Classes are going ok this quarter so far I guess, but I can't help but feel pretty shitty about it all. I think I'm a pretty smart guy, but my real fear isn't that I'm unintelligent, just uninspired. Intelligence without inspiration is pretty useless if ya ask me...yea it can be used to accomplish an objective (aka cog in the machine), but will anything of true value come out of it? I don't really see how it can. Man Rose kills me. I wonder if there exists a place where the level of education is as good as it is here but people are free to learn as they like? It sounds dumb, it really does. But I really do feel like the best things that come out of my mind are the ones that aren't forced, but rather a result of free intellectual inspiration. Heh, when I'm at school I can't get away from anything to do with engineering fast enough. But as soon as I get home, the laptop opens up and I learn as much as I can. It's pretty juevenile I guess. Oh well, something to be worked towards, I guess.

I guess my real fear is that I'll become nothing more than a cog in the machine. I don't care if I live my life without a dollar in my pocket, I just want to be able to feel like I'm contributing something worthwhile and most importantly, unique. How will the world 50 years from now be different had I never been born? I guess the most noble thing I can think of doing is inspiring other people.

I've known for a long time that the things that I seek the most are the ones that turn my world upside down. That's why I'm so addicted to authors like chomsky. They show that everything that is taught to you is essentially wrong. Not to get too philisophical, but truth is a funny thing...an elusive thing. I can sit down and fire off a dozen 100% accurate statement and be representing a huge lie.

I'm pretty frustrated with this country. Not that there's anything special about America. I remmember Chomsky saying how America was the largest terror state in the world. Not because there was anything especially evil about America...just that the state with the most power would do what all states do the best...enact terror.

Yknow what else I'm sick of? Being afraid to say what I think b/c people will think ill of me. That pisses me off like no other. I'm tired of self this self riteous American bullshit. Greatest country in the world huh? Here's a few things that we all might not be so proud of...

-Of all of the first world countries, we were the last to outlaw slavery in all its forms
-Despite having (by a long shot) the greatest wealth of any country in the world, we have one of the lowest standards of living of all first world countries.
-Real wages and profit are inversly proportional in this country. One example is the booming American economy during the Clinton administration. The profits were skyrockiting for American corporations, but real wages actually fell for American workers. How's that for trickle down?
-Secret prisons? The White House has already admitted to having them. What's the big deal? Well there's really no need for a secret prison unless you want to keep the things you do there secret is there? Hmm I wonder what could be going on...
-Fun fact...the US has been convicted of international terrorism by the World Court. Try finding that in a history book. There is certain information in this country that is not supposed to be know.

After WWII, the Soviet Union was the renegade nation in the UN. It vetoed nearly every proposal set for by the Security Council, defying the international community and prohibited any progress the US backed UN could make. Bastards huh? In the past 20 or so years, the tables have turned. Now the US vetoes nearly every UN resolution put forth.

Well I think I just ran out of energy. On one last note though. If you think the evil Palestinians just need to quit their bitching and grow up, check out these stats... http://www.ifamericansknew.org/index.html

Friend or Foe?

So I've been sitting here in the learning center for almost 3 hours now and havent had a single student come by. That's pretty awesome, cuz I just got three hours of conapps grading done. Not too shabby.

So I'm definitly feeling a lot better about the whole nancy thing. It was a little weird there for awhile but i can really say I'm pretty happy with the way things are at the moment. I mean not everything's resolved, but nothing's perfect. I really appreciate the response I got from a couple of brothers in particular. Brent and Edmonson were always there to listen and eased the hell out of my mind throughout the whole thing. Like I said I don't know that the situation is fixed but I definitely feel a hell of a lot better about it.

So I think I'm gonna start working with Challenege X after the break. It'll be good experience, working with the control systems. Plus I get bored with school. It's really enjoyable to be able to actually apply what you're learning every once in awhile. It's good stuff.

I can feel Spring Rush looming on the horizon. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous, but I think things will work out ok. It's tough for me to decide how much micromanagement i need to be doing at this point with the rushees. I mean do I need to visit each one on my own, or assign a brother to every one, or just send out a pikes email saying hey bring out guys you want to? Oh well, I think I'm starting to get a pretty good grasp on my A-list guys. The only bad news is that we may end up with more guys than I thought. I wouldn't be surprised if 15 guys showed a solid interest in rushing. Now how many of those guys will get bids, I can't say. There's a good chance I'll be bringing some stuff up in chapter tomorrow.

This week should be awesome. Not a whole lot of work. Hopefully I'll get to talk to some people about challenge X here, and who knows, maybe I'll start hearing back from those internships.

What I'm afraid of right now...
1. Being alone
2. Being weak
3. Passing up something that could turn out good
4. Hurting her
5. Being hurt
6. Falling in love
7. Wasting my life
8. Not being able to express myself
9. Not knowing what is right and what is wrong
10. Not being able to distinguish from being lonely and wanting to be with someone
11. Having to rely on myself
12. Not having the self control to do what is right

I really want somebody to talk to right now...

Caress Me Down...

Wow it's been awhile since I've posted. Almost a month, that's kinda nuts. So far the quarter's going pretty well. Classes arent too bad, the work load is really light, and I've been having a lot of fun here around the house. I think back to this time last year and how miserable I was on campus. Wow, what a turnaround.

Hmm so what on my mind right now? A couple of things I guess. I wish I didn't go to Rose. I mean I love the brothers here at the house, but this school is so fricken' uninspiring at times. That's really the only way that i can motivate myself these days. I mean people say that you should pursue what you love...and I really do enjoy engineering work, but sometimes I wish I could be a writer or starving artist or something. I miss music, I miss staying up till three in the morning reading books b/c I was just so excited by them there was no chance of falling asleep. It's like nowadays I go to sleep to avoid doing work. It's sad, but true. I wish things were different, I really don't want to live like this.


Oh well that's my rant for tonight. On the whole things are going well. Break was awesome, I just need to keep myself motivated.