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X-Mas break

2005-12-24T23:15:00.000-08:00

School's been bothering me lately. Classes are going ok this quarter so far I guess, but I can't help but feel pretty shitty about it all. I think I'm a pretty smart guy, but my real fear isn't that I'm unintelligent, just uninspired. Intelligence without inspiration is pretty useless if ya ask me...yea it can be used to accomplish an objective (aka cog in the machine), but will anything of true value come out of it? I don't really see how it can. Man Rose kills me. I wonder if there exists a place where the level of education is as good as it is here but people are free to learn as they like? It sounds dumb, it really does. But I really do feel like the best things that come out of my mind are the ones that aren't forced, but rather a result of free intellectual inspiration. Heh, when I'm at school I can't get away from anything to do with engineering fast enough. But as soon as I get home, the laptop opens up and I learn as much as I can. It's pretty juevenile I guess. Oh well, something to be worked towards, I guess.

I guess my real fear is that I'll become nothing more than a cog in the machine. I don't care if I live my life without a dollar in my pocket, I just want to be able to feel like I'm contributing something worthwhile and most importantly, unique. How will the world 50 years from now be different had I never been born? I guess the most noble thing I can think of doing is inspiring other people.

I've known for a long time that the things that I seek the most are the ones that turn my world upside down. That's why I'm so addicted to authors like chomsky. They show that everything that is taught to you is essentially wrong. Not to get too philisophical, but truth is a funny thing...an elusive thing. I can sit down and fire off a dozen 100% accurate statement and be representing a huge lie.

I'm pretty frustrated with this country. Not that there's anything special about America. I remmember Chomsky saying how America was the largest terror state in the world. Not because there was anything especially evil about America...just that the state with the most power would do what all states do the best...enact terror.

Yknow what else I'm sick of? Being afraid to say what I think b/c people will think ill of me. That pisses me off like no other. I'm tired of self this self riteous American bullshit. Greatest country in the world huh? Here's a few things that we all might not be so proud of...

-Of all of the first world countries, we were the last to outlaw slavery in all its forms
-Despite having (by a long shot) the greatest wealth of any country in the world, we have one of the lowest standards of living of all first world countries.
-Real wages and profit are inversly proportional in this country. One example is the booming American economy during the Clinton administration. The profits were skyrockiting for American corporations, but real wages actually fell for American workers. How's that for trickle down?
-Secret prisons? The White House has already admitted to having them. What's the big deal? Well there's really no need for a secret prison unless you want to keep the things you do there secret is there? Hmm I wonder what could be going on...
-Fun fact...the US has been convicted of international terrorism by the World Court. Try finding that in a history book. There is certain information in this country that is not supposed to be know.

After WWII, the Soviet Union was the renegade nation in the UN. It vetoed nearly every proposal set for by the Security Council, defying the international community and prohibited any progress the US backed UN could make. Bastards huh? In the past 20 or so years, the tables have turned. Now the US vetoes nearly every UN resolution put forth.

Well I think I just ran out of energy. On one last note though. If you think the evil Palestinians just need to quit their bitching and grow up, check out these stats... http://www.ifamericansknew.org/index.html

Friend or Foe?

2005-12-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

So I've been sitting here in the learning center for almost 3 hours now and havent had a single student come by. That's pretty awesome, cuz I just got three hours of conapps grading done. Not too shabby.

So I'm definitly feeling a lot better about the whole nancy thing. It was a little weird there for awhile but i can really say I'm pretty happy with the way things are at the moment. I mean not everything's resolved, but nothing's perfect. I really appreciate the response I got from a couple of brothers in particular. Brent and Edmonson were always there to listen and eased the hell out of my mind throughout the whole thing. Like I said I don't know that the situation is fixed but I definitely feel a hell of a lot better about it.

So I think I'm gonna start working with Challenege X after the break. It'll be good experience, working with the control systems. Plus I get bored with school. It's really enjoyable to be able to actually apply what you're learning every once in awhile. It's good stuff.

I can feel Spring Rush looming on the horizon. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous, but I think things will work out ok. It's tough for me to decide how much micromanagement i need to be doing at this point with the rushees. I mean do I need to visit each one on my own, or assign a brother to every one, or just send out a pikes email saying hey bring out guys you want to? Oh well, I think I'm starting to get a pretty good grasp on my A-list guys. The only bad news is that we may end up with more guys than I thought. I wouldn't be surprised if 15 guys showed a solid interest in rushing. Now how many of those guys will get bids, I can't say. There's a good chance I'll be bringing some stuff up in chapter tomorrow.

This week should be awesome. Not a whole lot of work. Hopefully I'll get to talk to some people about challenge X here, and who knows, maybe I'll start hearing back from those internships.

2005-12-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

What I'm afraid of right now...
1. Being alone
2. Being weak
3. Passing up something that could turn out good
4. Hurting her
5. Being hurt
6. Falling in love
7. Wasting my life
8. Not being able to express myself
9. Not knowing what is right and what is wrong
10. Not being able to distinguish from being lonely and wanting to be with someone
11. Having to rely on myself
12. Not having the self control to do what is right

I really want somebody to talk to right now...

Caress Me Down...

2005-12-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been awhile since I've posted. Almost a month, that's kinda nuts. So far the quarter's going pretty well. Classes arent too bad, the work load is really light, and I've been having a lot of fun here around the house. I think back to this time last year and how miserable I was on campus. Wow, what a turnaround.

Hmm so what on my mind right now? A couple of things I guess. I wish I didn't go to Rose. I mean I love the brothers here at the house, but this school is so fricken' uninspiring at times. That's really the only way that i can motivate myself these days. I mean people say that you should pursue what you love...and I really do enjoy engineering work, but sometimes I wish I could be a writer or starving artist or something. I miss music, I miss staying up till three in the morning reading books b/c I was just so excited by them there was no chance of falling asleep. It's like nowadays I go to sleep to avoid doing work. It's sad, but true. I wish things were different, I really don't want to live like this.

Oh well that's my rant for tonight. On the whole things are going well. Break was awesome, I just need to keep myself motivated.

Finals Week...

2005-11-14T21:00:00.000-08:00

Geez it's been awhile since I've last posted. I guess I've been kinda busy. Finals are this week, I really need to buckle down and get some shit done...my GPA's gonna be hurting pretty bad this quarter. I don't know, I'm kinda frustrated with school right now. I just can't seem to get very interested in my classes. Over the summer I remmember sitting down with one of the engineers everyday at lunch and he would just teach me about different stuff...it was awesome. And the thing was that I was learning because I wanted too. Here at school it's just a pain, an absolute pain. I wish I could get motivated and enjoy my classes...it would sure make life a lot easier right now. Oh well there's always next quarter.

Dude jack johnson kicks ass...yea it's a little fruity, but still...good stuff man.

So what's going on right now...after finals I'm going to NKU to visit my friends Blair. Should be an awesome time, hopefully I'll get to meet some cool people. Then I finally get to go home. I really never thought I'd be glad to go home, but it's been so long I just wanna be able to chill out. Hopefully I'll get to hang out with Dave and Bobby a lot, I really miss those guys. Looks like I'll be able to play with Louisville's ultimate team in a few practices too. Hah, I think I've come a really long way since the waterfront days this past summer. The other day at Ball State, we definitely beat Indianapolis' team pretty solidly. I think the LouEvil Villians are probably better than them, but still....over the summer I couldn't get over how good those guys were when I played with em...now hopefully I'll be able to hold my own. I don't know though, some of those guys were nuts. I'll never be able to touch ben paris' hops and I've got a long way to go before I can match Boucher's throws and layouts. Oh well, it's always a good time playing with those guys.

Man I really wanna get a job in a good city this summer. I bet Indy's team would let me practice if not play for em this summer if I told em I was interested. Boston would be another story lol...but how amazing would that be...I could go watch Death or Glory play (probably the best ultimate team in the world). Plus BUDA (boston ultimate disc association) has both a recreation league and an expert league, so I could probably play at least two days a week.

Well there's other stuff I'd like to post about, but I really should get some sleep. Plus the blog probably isnt the best medium for what I'm thinking. Oh well.

I'll Let You Know I Will

2005-10-23T23:53:00.000-07:00

Well as the weekend comes to a close, I realize I'm being a huge slap yet again. It really is becoming a rather nasty little habit of mine. I have a circuits test tomorrow that I've studied for it a very minimal amount. I also have a circuits assignment due Tuesday, plus a conapps assignment to be graded. Oh wow, tomorrow's gonna be a long night. But hey, bid tuesday is right around the corner, I'm excited. I probably won't be drinking very much, but it should be a blast. Come to think of it, I won't be drinking (or probably sleeping) the night of the Halloween party either. We're going up to Muncie to play in Ball State's tournament on Sunday...5:30 AM...beats Western Illinois by a couple hours lol.

It's been an eventful weekend. I had an absolute blast with the rifle team. It's a really awesome group of guys. I shot pretty shitty both Saturday and today, but I did manage a 95-96 pair on saturday. I'm pretty darn happy with that one. You know your sport is screwed the hell up when you can shoot a 95-96 pair on saturday, then not be able to break 87 in six tries on sunday. Ridiculous. I've come to realize that I can't be a good shooter right now. I have the desire, but I don't have the mental abilities. I've been thinking a lot about what my problem is.

For those of you who don't know, rifle is a very mental sport. Shooters scores consistenly go down when they're under a lot of stress, having girl problems, etc. I think there's a bunch of reasons I'm screwed up mentally right now. While I hate to admit it, I think me and jessica breaking up this summer is the biggest thing. I mean I'm having an absolute blast this year, but it shook me really bad. There have only been a handful of moments in the past few months that I've felt really secure and at peace with myself and the world around me. I know I'll recover eventually, but it's gonna take awhile for me to be able to move on. I'm just now really beginning to believe that everything's going to be ok. I had myself scared there for awhile.

So I've finally made the decision that I've been pondering for a couple of weeks. I've decided to go ahead and take on the rush chairmanship rather than shoot next year. I absolutely hate saying goodbye to the team, but I have to admit, I don't think I'll miss the shooting that much. All the stress, the pressure, and worst of all, the frustration that comes with shooting. Shooters have a saying that's very true in competitive shooting. The harder you try, the worse you do. No fricken joke.

I'm really excited about the chairmanship though. It's funny though, when Homan first came to me and said he thought I should do it, I was kinda shocked. I guess I've given up viewing myself as a leader, as somebody with a lot of strength. I mean I feel that deep down I have a lot of good qualities, my confidence has definitely been shaken in the past year. It's a good feeling, though, to have the support of your brothers. It's unbelievable the number of guys who have told me they know that I'll do a good job. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that life in a lot of ways is a "mental sport". You will succeed where you expect to succeed. I guess the difference between life and rifle is that in my life I have certain things and people that help me forget myself, to not worry about shooting a 10, a 95, or a 360. Like in rifle, the times that I succeed in my life are the times that i don't even think about what I'm doing...I just go for it. I think that's the attitude I need to start taking with lots of things. I need to stop trying so hard and just make things happen. It sounds dumb, but in a lot of ways it really is that simple.

So friday night i had some awesome conversations with tomsu, edmonson, and mills. I'm lucky to have such good and supportive friends. That's the kind of support that will get me where i want to go, I'm sure of it.

So last night I went over to skinner to hang out with zach. It's funny, we were both bored and looking for something to do, so he asked me over to have a beer or two and watch sportscenter. I think I learned a lot about the guy that night. It's funny how I can see the same hopes, dreams, concerns and frustrations in him and so many other guys that i see in myself. It's an encouraging feeling. I guess that's the lesson from this weekend: encouragement. Well anyway it was a blast just going and chilling with one of the guys. I haven't done enough of that this year (although i have been a tad busy, to be fair). I look forward to having a little more down time this winter and spring to take it easy and get to know some more people better and hopefully meet a few new ones.

Well I should prolly get some sleep for that damn test tomorrow :) G'night all.

We'll Make it Out Together

2005-10-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

So I guess it's been awhile since I've last posted. What can I say, life's been busy. I've been giving it some thought, and I'm beginning to lean towards the idea of making this blog more about my random thoughts etc. rather than a day to day diary kinda thing. I don't know, I think it's both more revealing and interesting that way.

So I think a lot about what it is that makes me happy in life. The way I see it, it's pretty much the same things that make most humans happy. I spent a lot of time in high school reading stuff on evolutionary psychology and similar literature. I really loved that stuff. If there's one thing that really stimulates me intellectually it's ideas that make me view the world in a completely different way. Yknow, things that radically challenge that which we take for granted, or simply put, just make us think a little bit. I can't tell you how many books I read on human psychology and how it affects and shapes humans in society. I can remmember pacing my room at 3 in the morning when I had school the next day b/c I was just so excited about these ideas. I remmember the first book that I read on the subject, that really got me into it. It's called the Blank Slate: the Modern Denial of Human Nature. I can honestly say that that book changed the way that I look at myself, the people around me, and society as a whole more than any other one thing. The author was able to challenge and preconcieved notions of people about society, and rebuild the view of man from the ground up. He threw out the window any biases that subconsciously affect our judgement and vew of the world. It's an amazing book.

Sometimes I wish I had more time for thinking like that. There's nothing more I'd like to do than write. Maybe I should pick that up. Hell, maybe this journal thing is a good outlet for that. To those few people who are reading this: that means this thing's probably about to get about twelve times as boring lol. It's frustrating sometimes to try to talk to people about things when they don't really seem to take any interest in it. I mean people listen, but they're just not stimulated by it like I am. It kinda sux sometimes.

So one thing I try to do a lot is analyze my own thoughts, motivations, aspirations etc. I guess that's kind of a stupid statement, b/c I'm sure everybody does to an extent. But anyway I've noticed something about my random thoughts that come to me during the day. I think a lot about girls. Like a lot. Is that weird? I don't know. I guess all guys do. But it's the kinda thing people never really talk about...not b/c there's any real reason not to, just b/c people don't seem to spend a lot of time mulling over it.

The funny thing is this...yea, I admit that the happiest times I've ever had in my life were when I was with jessica. There's really no denying that fact. And in a lot of ways it makes sense. For a man to be in an intimate relationship with a woman that he thinks is going to last for the rest of his life is a very fulfilling thing. I mean it gives a sense of security, accomplishment...direction. It's like he knows he's on the right track, he's got everything figured out.

One thing that turns a lot of people off to this kind of psychoanalysis is that a lot of times it leads us to conclusions they flat out don't like. For example, one could surmise that the idea of a God is just a notion that we subconsciously make up to give ourselves a sense of security, righteousness, etc. I have to admit back when I believed in god, it did that for me. I mean how many times had I been told in high school that no matter what happens, God will be there, everything will be alright, if you follow his way nothing can go wrong in the end. And the idea of a reward in paradise...it's just justification for us getting screwed here on earth. Yknow, the jackass next to you has it all...and you don't. What's the solution that makes us feel better about that? He'll go to hell, when we go to heaven, it's that simple.

Another thing that is tough to deal with is the idea of love. Some people say you can't analyze love, can't put it into words, etc. The way I see it is that love is nothing more than a means to an end. I know, it's terribly unromantic, but that doesn't mean it's not true. I mean why am a man am I inclined to love a woman? Is it because there's some mysterious invisible voodoo force in the universe that so inclines me? Sounds good, but that doesn't make it true. The answer is that that attraction, both sexually and emotionally, supports reproduction. I mean let's face it, if the only thing that attracted me to women was the sexual aspect, I'd be much less inclined to go out and find women and reproduce. And that's the bottom line basically. Every single aspect of the human psychology...EVERYTHING, can be traced back to something that increases the likelihood of reproduction. Natural Selection at it's best. We all know what evolution and natural selections are, like we could write a definition down on paper...but when you start applying those ideas to the world around you...things start to click.

So does thinking in such terms make me a bad person? I mean I'm sitting here saying love is just some means to and end, nothing special, not some majestically force, but a way to make babies more effeciently. How wrong is that? Well if there's one thing that I've learned over the years is that you should never believe something because it's convenient. Plato said that you should pursue virtue for the sake of virtue. Not because you want to be a good person, but because, simply put, it's the right thing to do. It's the same thing here. I think people should look for truth, no matter how ugly, inconvinient, or disatisfactory it is. Applying my method of self analysis, I guess there's a part in all of us that desires truth above all. We all want to konw the secrets of the univers. To 'know the mind of God' and Stephen Hawking would put it.

I don't think believing such things makes me a bad person. When I first got into this train of thought, I came up with an analogy that made a lot of sense to me. Bear with me, it's been a few years, so it might come out kinda retarted. I remmember at the time I'd also started doing some reading on Einstein's work on the curvature of space time and how it relates to gravity. since the earth was first formed, gravity has been a constant. People never understood it untill 100 years ago...so when einstein changed the way the world viewed gravity it turned the scientific world upsidedown. But regardless of this discovery, the effects of gravity didn't change. Apples still fell from trees, a greater understanding didnt spoil anything. I'd like to think it's the same with me and the way I look at love. I mean yea, I analyze the hell out of it and take what must seem to be a very unromatic view, but I can still love just as much as the next guy. A greater understanding of myself doesnt change who I am, or how i feel. It just helps me put myself and the world around me in context.

One life lesson that I've kinda drawn from all this is that you have to do what makes you happy. If sounds generic, but if it doesnt make you happy, it's not worth pursuing. It's that simple. There are a million different things in life that will make a guy happy, whether it's getting a smile from a cute girl, getting a job offer, acing a test, being with his friends, shooting a 10, bidding for a disc, or finding the woman he'll one day marry. These are the things that make people happy, and this is what each of us should strive for (insert your own personal shit of course...all specifics fall into more general catergories of gratification). The key is to find a lifestyle and day to day life that is fulfilling.

I think the thing that I'm most afraid of right now is being alone. I once remmember Edmonson asked me what it was that made me happy. I thought about it for awhile, and realized the answer, in simplest terms. I remmember my exact words..."being connected to people on a more than superficial level". I mean yea sometimes I get down because I don't have a girl right now. But when I'm at an ultimate tournament, or having an awesome time with my brothers at the house, or any other of a number of things, that doesn't matter to me. It's funny, because when I start to feel good, I always tell myself "forget girls, I don't need em". An later, when I get lonely again, I always think how stupid I was to say that. I guess this fear of being alone is to a large extent a result of what happened with jessica. I was so convinced i had everything figured out, and that I was totally set, when we broke up, it was like the world was turned upside down. The one thing that made me happiest in my life was gone, and at the time I thought I'd never have it again. What I've come to realize over the past few months is that it wasn't jessica that made me happy...it was our relationship. The fact that I had a girl to care for, and that she cared for me...that's what did it. And I believe that one day I'll have that again. At least I hope I believe that, and it's not just some thought that makes me feel better. Shit man it's too late for this lol.

Well I know that was random as hell. It's funny, I'm the kinda of guy that usually has a lot more to say than he let's on. Maybe that's something to work on. Speaking of shit to work on, I have three interviews, a chem test, and a lab test tomorrow...

Well anyway if you made it all the way through congrats, that's pretty impressive. If you found anything I said really interesting let me know, I really love to hear from people about stuff like that.

I heart ultimate (in case you hadn't noticed)...

2005-10-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

So yea, the big tourney was this past weekend. Did I have fun? I think Maxwell summed it up pretty well..."Hell yea I had fun, I fuckin' played ultimate". We went 4-2 for the weekend. One of those losses should have been a win, but we have no idea how to play against a cup. Especially me...I learned my lesson though...Outside ins don't work so well in a crosswind lol. Oh well, you live and you learn. It was awesome getting away from this fricken school for a weekend and getting to hang out with the guys. I wish I would have gone to the party on saturday night, but from what I can tell it wasn't that great, plus I felt terrible. Oh well I'll get em next time.

One phrase from the weekend really stuck in my head. It came from Maxwell when he was giving us one of those time out inspirational speeches. "Let's get out there and play some ultimate, give it our all, and have some fun. Because we all know we're going back to rose tomorrow night, and you know what that means." I think that's a pretty good summary of my life right now. School's so tedious and frustrating at time I feel like I have to make the most of moments outside of class. That's why I push myself so hard to play two sports and everything else. Because at the end of the day that's what keeps me going.

So yea I started to get a little worrited over some girl issues tonight. But I started talking to some guys, and I realized something. I need to forget about that garbage...three days from now I'm going to Canada with some of my best friends. That's the stuff that I'm gonna remmember in life, not some chick that might turn out to not be worth a damn. Forget about that...sometimes you gotta stop thinking and live your life. Forget about the score, the pain, and the sweat, just bid for the disc. That's all life is: one big lay out...

What a Day

2005-10-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

So here's how the day started...

I wake up to my alarm, and immediately roll over and accidentally fall back asleep. I wake up to an angry email from my boss wondering why I wasnt at work. I then go to chem class, fail a quiz, and realize I can't take any notes b/c I don't have any writing utensils. Next I skip my lunch to catch up on work, and spend way too much time trying to figure out a lab report for ECE200. Then I realize my partner never emailed me back confirming he would write the prelab for the next lab. So I figure the slapdick just didnt do it, so I try it. It was hopeless, I had no idea. Not a great start to a day.

Here's how it finished up...

I got facebooked by this chick that I was friends with way back when. I was estatic to see her friend request, she's an awesome girl. Then I go to an ultimate meeting after class for the tournament this weekend. We all went out to eat after the meeting, which was a blast. That's why i love ultimate. Then I went to rifle, where Steve Branning (the guy I'm rushing that i was afraid would go triangle) proceeded to tell me why he didn't like triangles and agreed to come to the scavenger hunt on friday. In rifle practice I had an epiphany as to what I've been doing wrong, and my score improved drastically in one practice. Apparently I've been gripping too tight with my right hand, and have been subconsiously shifting during my hold. My groups are wayyyy tighter now.

After rifle I picked up Jason and we came over to watch movies with the DG's. The movie was hilarious, and Jay got to meet some of the other brothers, which is just what needs to be happenning right now. Then i tracked down this DG I met on friday night, and get this...holy shit, you're not gonna believe this...when I told her me and Jay played ultimate, she asked if I could go get a disc so she could throw with us. WTF!!! That's the most amazing thing in the history of life. Man i just about had a heart attack! So we threw for awhile, and then I took jason back to BSB. Well I got this ADES test tomorrow I was really worried about. Well me Youst and Shane sat down and figured like all the shit out in an hour. I'm so set for this test, it's awesome. Then I come back to the room and get on facebook. I had two messages, one from that DG and the other from my friend arlyn. I havent talked in arlyn in like forever, and she's the coolest. So yea it's been an awesome night. Now I gotta get some sleep for that test. Peace.

2005-09-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Goddamit I miss her.

Wake me up when September ends.

Insanity

2005-09-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

Things have been so crazy lately. I mean i don't really mind being so busy, I'm just really afraid my grades are hurting because of it. With rifle going fully now, the free time will be close to nill. Jay expects us to practice for 10-12 hours a week, plus I have ultimate, and close to 20 hours of work per week. Oh yea and those class things. Can't forget about those.

So we had our first real rifle practice today. Yea I definitely tried to shoot without gear. It was pretty ugly. The new gun probably didnt help. There were moments where i felt like my stance was pretty good, but my mental game sux really bad. As soon as I start to think about a bad shot, I feel my legs start to wobble and I shake really bad. I seriously need to get my mind prepared, or I'm screwed.

I've been thinking a lot today about the difference between ultimate and rifle to me...it's pretty obvious by now. Simply put, I love ultimate. I think about it all day and dream about it at night. Just the thought of go horizontal and laying out for a disc gets my blood pumping. I love the feeling I have when I play, and I love the people. There's nothing else in the world like it. Rifle, on the other hand, has always been more of a chore. Yea, there are times when I kinda enjoy it, and I really like the people on the team. But that's about it...nothing else.

I came to this realization pretty quick, and I've been trying to figure out why things are this way. Jay loves rifle more than anything in the world. He loves the challange, the mental hurdles you have to surpass, and (at the expense of sounding cheesy), the feeling of serenity and oneness you feel when you're mentally in the game. I can relate to some of these too.

I realize what the difference is now. Rifle makes me depressed. Just being in the range brings me down. I remmember last year, when I was so miserable, wanting to be at home with jessica and not at school, not at practice, or anything. It's like I associate anything with rifle with that feeling of loneliness, and unhappiness. Ultimate, however, is the exact opposite. Everytime I play, I'm with people I love to be with, just out to have a good time. I play it with my best friends, and it makes me happier than just about anything else right now.

I really do hope I can overcome this problem with rifle. If not, I'll stop shooting, not because I want to, but because I won't be any good. A shooter is only as good as his mental state.

Ixnay on the Hombre

2005-09-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

So I just started listening to Ixnay on the Hombre. It's definitely an awesome CD. I've gotten the last couple of Offspring CD's that've come out, but I have to admit i like this sound a lot more. The sound varies a lot more...there's the regular heavy stuff, but there's a bunch of lighter and more carefree stuff too. It's a really good balance.

Hmm what's happened since I've last updated? I don't really think I can even remmember it all. A few highlights...

Late night drives with a good friend...always picks ya up when you're feeling down.

We beat ISU in ultimate again...this time 10-1. On that note, I've really begun to enjoy ultimate up here more and more. When I first got up here, I wasnt sure if I was gonna like it that much. I mean the guys just seeemed...different that the ones back home. But now that I've begun to get to know them better and become more comfortable around them, I've definitely been enjoying it more. I was really put off at first by a couple of guys who didn't seem very welcoming to some of us new guys. But now that I think about it I remmember there was this one guy back home that I really hated when i started playing, too. The more he got to know me and see how dedicated I was, though, he warmed up to me and there's a lot of repect between us now. I think it's getting to be the same here, too.

Learned some new ultimate heckles from Maxwell. Hah good stuff.

Friday night was movie night...I missed a lot of the second movie though, I def. need to watch it again.

PIKE DAY!! Man it was a blast. Several ultimate games + 150 ft. waterslide = one hell of a day + one really sore body.

Going to bed at 8:30 last night and waking up at 11:30 this morning...no joke.

Grading conapps/running errands/watching football/tossing with anderson/eating first wok today.

Well things are definitely looking up right now. It's been a very good weekend, and I'm very happy right now...I like that feeling.

2005-09-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

I'm really beginning to like this blog thing. It's a really good way for me to unwind at the end of a long day. I just got done working on Emag for several hours. I hate to say it, but it was a blast. Me Hackfeld Youst George and shane all got together to try and figure it out. We spent most of the night just chilling in Hawks room listening to music and working it out little by little. I'm so used to being in classes w/o any of my friends, I'd forgotten how much quicker and easier hw goes by when you're doing it in groups.

Well I woke up sick as hell this morning. Nasty cold, plus my ear was messed up from swimming yesterday. I definitely skipped circuits today...I really dont (but probably should) feel guilty about it. Oh well, I had a hell of a nap this afternoon, didn't go to ultimate though, cuz I felt so bad.

I really feel like I'm beginning to settle into the house here these past few days. The other day was the first time I can remmember that I thought of jessica and it actually made me happy. I thought about this one time when she was getting ready to leave for a mission trip and me and her family were there saying goodbye. I remmember she gave me a big kiss despite the fact taht her family was there (which she always felt weird about)...I guess that feeling of happiness just stuck with me or something. I really don't know whether it's a good thing that thinking of that makes me happy. I mean maybe it means that I'm starting to move on and accept what is, and just loving the good times for what they were, even though they'll never be back. But then again, maybe it just means I'm not over her yet and still want to be with her. I really can't say. I still feel pretty lonely sometimes, but it seems like I'm getting closer to a lot of guys out here at the house, especially brent, tomsu and anderson. That's a really good feeling.

Oh well I can't really say what's going to happen to me this next year, but I really do hope I can make the most out of it...I guess it's time for bed now, class tomorrow. Good luck guys.

Back to School

2005-09-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

Wow the weekend's already over, hard to believe. I guess it was pretty fun on the whole, I can't remmember a lot of stuff now, let's see...friday classes dragged on forever cuz I was so excited about the scrimmage. After the longest circuites class known to man we met and headed out to ISU. I have to admit I was kinda pissed that all these guys showed up who had never come to practice. Part of me is glad to see some interest from new people, but if they don't love the game enough to come to practice they probably shouldn't be playing to be honest. It's not a punishment type thing or anything like that, but I just think if they don't have that passion for the sport they shouldn't be there with the people that do. Oh well that's just my opinion. We beat em pretty bad, they weren't very impressive. The guys on their team seemed pretty cool...I don't think they'll ever really give us much competition, but it'll be good experience for us. Much better than just running drills a lot. Good stuff.

Well anyway we had informals that night, then off to friday's for dinner. It was fun. Then yesterday I don't really think much happened to be honest. Geez that's terrible, I'm sure there was some stuff going on but I can't remmember any of it. Damn chem hw. Oh well.

Well today was actualy really fun. I woke up at 1, got exempt for my fine at exec, and avoided hw. Me and anderson went out and tossed for awhile. He's a good guy, a little cocky and comes off a bit strong, but a good guy nontheless. I'm just happy to have someone to throw with to be honest. He's got a lot of enthusiasm for the game too. Then I went down to the SRC where brent got me started on some swimming stuff. I have to admit it was tough, but I think if I stick with it it'll get me in pretty decent shape. Many thanks for the help and the food, man. Then tonight we had chapter, and I've been working on chem hw for a couple hours with anderson. It's a pain, but I'm done with it. Right now I'm just chilling, listening to some jack johnson and about to watch sportscenter and eat some PB&J. Life doesnt get much better.

LC Blues...

2005-09-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

Well the reason I'm posting now is that I'm stuck here "tutoring" in the learning center and I forgot to bring any hw. I was gonna do my lab report for chem (which I just got out of) but it doesnt look like my lab parter is gonna email me the data anytime soon. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to screw around for the next hour ;)

Well hey I'm in a great mood yknow why? That's right, I'll be playing ultimate for three days in a row. It's sad to see how excited that gets me, when it was the norm a month ago. Oh well, apparently this school thing takes precedence or something? Who thinks this junk up? Well anyway I find out yesterday that our first scrimmage is against ISU on this friday down on their campus somewhere. That's awesome!

Well rush started yesterday officially. It was kinda cool to go talk to some of the freshman during dorm storming, but I didnt really feel like I did a lot of good. None of our guys from sharp ended up coming out to ritters, and it turns out that one of the guys from the ultimate team that I wanted to rush isnt interesting in joining a fraternity. Oh well I guess it happens. I definitely got forced into a leadership role during dorm storming as the other guys I was rushing with expected me to do all the talking to the freshman. I don't really mind but at the same time I dont feel like I'm really the best guy for the job. Oh well, hopefully we'll get a good rush class this year.

Well that's all I got for now, I gotta go to practice in a little while. Until then I'll watch the exciting conclusion of the Brown v Colorodo nat'l championship game on cstv...just in case you're interested, these guys are fricken ridiculous...
http://www.collegesports.com/sports/c-ultimate/cs-c-ultimate-body.html

Lata.

The weekend

2005-09-05T01:03:00.000-07:00

I tell you what, it's been a crazy weekend. In short, friday was a blast with the guys here out at the house. Saturday, of course, was foam. It was a blast, I have to admit. I drank the perfect amount...just enough to loosen up but not enough to be drunk. Good times man. Me and Tomsu tag teamed on a couple of rose girls (big mistake)...it was nice to have a pretty atractive girl dancing with me the whole night, but she's definitely not my type. Next time I'll definitely spread my time out a little with some different girls so the next day I might actually have some numbers to call or something. Oh well lesson learned, and hey I had a good time, that's all that matters. I have to admit though, I think the thing I will remmember the most about Saturday is playing frisbee in the lawn with the guys and going to moggers for dinner. And of course, the ND victory! National Championship year, I'm calling it right now man. It's funny how's it's the little things that I remmember the most.

Well tonight was a lot of fun too. I'm becoming more and more optimistic about living in the house this year. First we watched the notebook in the back lounge (yes you read that right). I have to admit, I really didnt wanna watch the movie since it I knew it would make me think of jessica, since it was kinda "our movie". But I knew it would be good for me. It is a really good movie, and it's nice to be able to watch it with a really cool group of people like that. Then of course there was beer o'clock. Good times as always. Well I don't really have anything exciting to post about right now, plus I need to get some sleep. But thanks guys for an awesome weekend. Peace out.

Shennanigans

2005-08-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. I guess it's just kinda gotten away from me, things have been kinda busy lately. I finally got moved into the house and classes start tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the year. Dr. Tom sent me and email the other day asking me to grade for him. That should be pretty fun. I just have to stay up on the work and not let it pile up like I usually do for stuff. I don't think it should be too much of a problem.

I have to admit I have some mixed reactions to moving up here. A part of me is sad to say goodbye to all the friends that i made this summer. It really was a blast. It funny, when jess broke up with me I thought to myself "all I want to do is salvage as much of this summer as I can...meet some new people and have fun". And the funny thing is, that's exactly what I did. It's a really good feeling, to set a goal like that for yourself and accomplish it.

I wonder a lot about my potential. How much of whether or not I succeed at my goals in life is determined not by the rest of the world, but by my own mindset? Do I really have the power to wake up in the morning say "I want some goal to happen" and be able to set out and actually make it happen? Can the difference between success and failure really rest in my head? I'm extremely skeptical of such "feel good" and "positive attitude" ideas, so I used to dismiss it. But I remmember this one time over the summer when me and bobby went to see this hipnotist. I know this sounds crazy, but it really made me think...

Hipnotists can make a 100 pound woman stretch out between two bar stools, and remain stiff as a board when a heavy man stands on her back. Is it all fake? Sometimes I think it isn't. I mean you have to keep the notion of the human brain in perspective. When you feel a heavy man standing on your back, in the woman's case, what do you really "feel"? It's all just interpreted by your brain, yknow? If you can control your mind, tell yourself that you're stiff as a board, then why shouldn't you be able to make it happen. I mean if you believe it, honestly believe that you are, or can do something...it's an exciting thought. That means that I can wake up tomorrow, and just by believeing in myself, I can accomplish nearly anything that I want. Craziness.

So if it's so damn easy, why don't people just succeed at every goal that they have? I think there's a pretty easy answer to that...they're afraid of something. They stop themselves from succeeding. It makes sense really...a survival instinct that can be more counterproductive than useful...it's certainly fits the bill. I've been thinking about this quote a lot that I heard from Cat in one of her blogs...she said "trust your hopes and not your fears". That's a great way to look at life. I'm beginning to think that my fears are causing me to fail at my goals. It's like I don't want to be lonely, so I want people to like me so I won't be alone. But I'm so afraid of being disliked, I don't have the confidence to be myself around people. So I don't really get to know people, so I end up feeling alone. it's a vicious cycle.

I think that's maybe why I succeeded so much at my goal this summer. I mean down at the waterfront, I had nothing to lose. I really didnt care that much if people liked me or not...we were all just there to play frisbee and have some fun, yknow? I wasn't afraid because I felt like I'd already hit rock bottom.

I know that was a really random discourse, but a lot's been going on in my head lately. I'm still not anywhere near over jess. I had a dream about her last night. I woke up early this morning so mad and upset. Took me forever to get back to sleep. Just a stupid dream. I don't really know how to deal with it to be honest. It helps to talk to people about it...but I'm afraid to talk about it with people, because then that means that I'm some kinda heartbroken loser, ykonw? It's like I try to convince myself I am over it by not talking about it. I don't know...I mean I just keep telling myself...it's only heartache. I mean yea it sucks, but what's the worst it can do to me? I just have to fight through it, make the most out of each day. And most importantly not to be afraid of anything like being alone. Like Cat said to trust my hopes and dreams, what I want, rather than what I'm afraid of. It makes sense.

Geez I must have had that stored up for awhile. I wanna talk about something more happy now.

So I've been working really hard to meet some Ultimate guys up here. I got in touch with Hodge's friend who's on the team, and went out and played some pickup with him and bunch of guys the other day. They all seem like pretty cool guys. It was nice to be back in my element, yknow? I do well meeting people through ultimate, because I don't really have any fear out there. I have the confidence I need on the field.

But anyway I went to the activities fair tonight and met a few more guys from the team. They seem cool. Some exciting news about the club:

-They practice 3 or 4 days a week (I could do with 7 personally)
-They're trying to go to a couple tourneys in the fall, one of which will hopefully be Berea. That means my cousin will be there playing with her school. Awesomeness.
-ISU has a team!! That's huge! Supposedly we'll scrimmage against em every friday. That helps eliminate some of my reservations.

So in short I'm pretty stoked, I have to admit. There's a pickup game on friday, and practice starts monday after classes. Geez I'm so excited. I bought a Rose Hulman ultrastar disc tonight for 7 bucks. It's pretty awesome. On a down note though, I'm really frustrated with my throws right now. I can't throw a backhand at all (no big shock there) and I can't get my forehand to quit turning over. That's no good. I've always been a much better cutter than handler anyway. But on a good note, I've being toying with a high release backhand that Shaggy taught me right before I left the ville, and it's coming along nicely.

Well I gotta get some sleep for class tomorrow. Peace.

By the way, thanks to Cat for the message on my last post, it helps a lot. You're the best.

Whew...

2005-08-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been an interesting night. But I'll start with last night first it was a hell of a lot more fun.

So we go down to the waterfront and me bobby and hunter jump in a game (there were like 3 or 4 going). So we play for maybe ten minutes till Ming comes over and is like "hey guys come over here". Apparently these punk ass high school football players were talking shit to him and Ray. Well that pissed us all off cuz that shit shouldn't happen in ultimate. So we got a team of the regular guys together and decided to beat the shit out of them lol. After we went up like 5-1 we decided to do an H-stack with me bob ming and ray handling. Yea we destroyed em 10-1. It was so great to see those cocky bastards get there asses beat by a bunch of easygoing guys who were just out to have fun. Right in front of all there little prissy girlfriends too. So great.

The other highlight of the night was when a big group of really hot (like bad hot not good hot) girls walked by while we were tossing. One of em asked Reggie if she could throw once. So he tossed it to her and she TOOK OFF with the disc. Man Hunter started chasing her down (he was soo pissed) and I thought he was gonna bury her ass in the concrete. Luckily Reggie got there first...she goes "go long!"...so he grabbed the disk and yelled "bitch I am long!" and flicked her off. I thought that was pretty damn funny.

So I finally called jess back tonight. It's funny everybody I talked to was either like "you said you would call you need to" or "fuck her, never call her back". Hah so I called...it was akward, and I felt a little shitty afterwards, so I called Arlyn and she picked me right back up as usual. She's a great girl...I always say that's she everything for me that jess couldnt be. It's funny I was going through my phone and I had a whole list of good friends that I knew I could call if I needed to. Awesome feeling man. Well anyway I gotta get some sleep.

BTW I'd really like to post links to my friends blogs on here but I really think I'm too dumb to figure out how lol.

Poop...

2005-08-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

Y'know I was having an okay night, i really was. I actually got a decent assignment at work, played a little frisbee, re-hurt my shoulder, not a bad night. But no, my night had to be ruined by a fucking IM conversation. Y'know i can deal my night being ruined by a phone call, a kick in junk etc., but an IM convo? What the hell is this shit? That just pisses me off even more.
I just spent the last hour talking to my ex g/f's friend about how I'm such a dick cuz I havent called her back. Y'know I'm really more impressed by that than anything.

It's funny though, it kinda pissed me off, but I'm not really all that upset by it. Guess that means I'm moving on. Good shit right there man. Well that's really all I got, sorry it's not more involved, but to be honest, I really don't give a shit. Man that feels good.

The Debut

2005-08-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

Well so I finally decided to hop on the bandwagon and start blogging like all the cool kids :) It's been a pretty damn cool week or so, so this should be an upbeat post. Don't worry though, I'm sure there'll be plenty of rants/depressing posts as well.

The fun really starts last saturday. LUFA had a hat tournament at Cherokee Park, so I was pretty stoked about going to my first tourney. Turns out it wasn't much of a tournament, more like 20 people playing all day. There was a good mix of people there, I knew a few guys from the waterfront, and most played for ULtimate (UofL's team) or the LouEVIL Villians (Louisville's club team), so I got to meet some cool people. Since it was my first real ultimate event I picked up on some strategy that doesn't happen at the waterfront too much. Hah now Bob can't make fun of me (as much) anymore for being an ultimate noob. I had a blast, although I hurt my shoulder pretty bad in the first game. Turning a corner + laying out for a disk = bad idea. I'm kinda worried cuz it still hurts, and it's been over a week. Oh well it's the left shoulder, so at least I don't need it to throw. After we got done playing a few of us went to grab some food on Bardstown Road which was good. After that we headed back and I watched some of the guys play with Louisville's club team vs. Lexington. Louisville got beat and kinda played like shit, but it was cool to hang out with the guys and see my first real game. Anyway I got burnt as hell as anybody who's seen my arms in the past week or so can atttest to. Oh well, it was worth the injuries :)

I'll fast forward through the rest of the week cuz work is boring as hell. I never have any work to do and my boss gets pissed when I offer to help with stuff. Oh well a couple more weeks and I'll be done with the shit forever.

I didn't play for four days straight (!!!) to rest my shoulder. I finally went back on thursday (my friend hunter got back from NJ and joined us). I was taking it easy on the shoulder and all went well till Hunter decided it would be funny to tackle me. Not only did I re-injure the shoulder, but about 75% of the skin on my left arm came off from the sun burn. He felt bad but like he always says shit happens.

So Friday night I went to Bloomington for Jeff's 21st birthday. It was awesome to see all my brothers and meet a few people up there. Once again I drank too much, but I had people there watching out for me. I'm making progress on the whole pacing myself thing, so you guys shouldn't have to put up with it for long lol. Some highlight include drunken frisbee (I still had a flick!) and walking ridiculous distances with kenny to buy grapes to create microwave plasma. Good times.

The next day we drove up to Terre Haute to chill up there for the day. It was nice just being able to relax with my brothers and recover from the previous night. We watched the family guy movie and me and Tomsu drove around for something to do that night. It's funny because there really wasn't anything extradionary about Saturday but looking back it was a really fun time. I really do miss hanging out with the guys this summer and this upcoming year's gonna kick some serious ass. No more confining myself to my hall and spending two hours everynight talking to a girl that's 200 miles away. Screw that shit, this year's gonna be awesome.

So I drove home Sunday and pretty much took it easy the whole day. I was gonna go to the waterfront but ended up just relaxing.

Today worked sucked as usual, but tonight was an absolute blast. Probably one of the best nights at the waterfront yet. I don't know if it's just that I haven't played in three or four days or what, but I felt like a million bucks man. I must be getting in shape or something (scary i know) cuz I felt like I was running circles around people down there. Anyway it was a blast, it was pretty much the usual group down there, plus three or four fairly attractive ladies that I'd never met before. Not a bad deal :) Anyway I butsted my shoulder twice again tonight but I'm getting used to it by now lol. Afterwards me Hunter and Bob went to Waffle House and shot the shit for awhile. Good Times.

As if this post isn't long enough already it's time for some reflection. After the past week or so I've really come to realize that my life isn't bad at all. I mean I was pretty crushed at the beginning of the summer when jess broke up with me, but things are definitely looking up. I'm kinda proud of the fact that I've been able to recover, but i realize that it's not so much my doing but a testament to what great friends I have. I know I screwed up this past year in spending so much time in louisville to see jess, but I'm just really glad I've got such a good group of friends to see me through this bullshit. So far this summer I've gotten a couple chances to hang out and get to know better some of the Pike guys (mostly Edmonson Tomsu and Hodge) and I've had a blast playing ultimate.

I know everybody probably thinks that I'm too obsessed with ultimate, but in a lot of ways it's been jessica's replacement in my life. It sounds ridiculous, but I really do have an emotional attachment to the game (as anybody in Bloomington this past weekend found out lol). I mean it's so nice to be able to be with a great group of people pretty much everynight and just have some fun. While I'll proably never see most of the people I play with again after this summer, they've really helped me get through these past couple of months, strange as it may seem. I really am gonna miss playing with Bob and Hunter and the rest of the group when I go off to school, but I know I have my brothers to look forward to this year. I just hope I can keep playing and having a positive experience with Rose's team this fall.

Well god damn that's a long post, but it's been a fun few days. I'm off to bed, gotta go to work :( in a few hours, so I should get some shut eye. Peace out yo's.